Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Solitude is underrated. While being around friends is great for the most part, sometimes all you want to do is just be alone. You don't have to speak if you don't feel like it - no need to entertain questions about how you've been (the same); what you did yesterday (nothing much, as always); whether you've found a job (if I did do you think I'd be here listening to you?).
Okay, so don't go striking me off your friends list just yet. Obviously I don't feel that way all the time. I'd be one sad grouch, otherwise. But I guess somedays you simply need that break from everything and everyone, and not have to make explanations about anything.
Maybe this slight aversion to human interaction is a build-up of all the things I've kept inside. So much energy goes into keeping them there, that I'm left with only a smidgen that doesn't seem to be enough to even handle a conversation. With people I hardly know, I always worry about having nothing to say, because I seem to have this hidden mechanism that prevents me from putting my thoughts into words. Either it comes out in a mess, or not at all. Most of the time, it's the latter.
Having said that, silence doesn't always signal boredom or awkwardness. Sometimes silence can be good. Just taking a minute to be quiet and not add to the noise around you. I hate it when people ask "why are you so quiet?". Then, even though I'm perfectly fine not talking, I feel obliged to think of something to talk about, which makes the situation even more awkward. So if you ever find yourself sitting opposite me in silence, enjoy it. You probably won't find anyone else who gives you so much time to just shut up and take it all in.
Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely