Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I feel like I’m stuck in a bloody rut.
It’s as though there’s simply no need to know what the date is, or even what day of the week it is, since the minutes and hours just seem to melt into one another. Opening your eyes in the morning, you feel no sense of urgency, no purpose that brings you to your feet in anticipation of what this new day would hold. So you go about your day, constantly thinking of what trivial little activity you can do to get through the hour.
I do wish I could accumulate these underused pockets of time, and stow them away for the future. It's quite distressing, really.
I wish I had the strength to treat this with insouciance, and so-called enjoy the break that I've inadvertently been given, like many have told me to. But it's tough to sit back and relax when the view that stretches out in front of you is dark and very uncertain.
Positivity is rare and fleeting at this point. You can only go on so long 'living in the moment'. The reality is that if the moment doesn't come with a fixed salary, you're pretty much done for.
A word of warning: if you're going to comment, kindly avoid the word 'job' at all costs. (Don't you think that's an understatement?) Some things are just easier said than done.
Please excuse me, but if you haven't already noticed, the bleak state of my life just invites spurts of intense frustration.